hell is for conversation...

have had a day of listening to music i have ignored for too long. such as the paperchase. good times.

at some point i am going to have to realise i have done no work all holiday and that i should do some, but as i am leaving home on saturday to go back to cam via a wedding this is an unrealistic goal.

i am not looking forward to next term:

exams
seeing lucy
trying not to punch hugh
exams
other people's exam stress
the fact that i am single and will therefore probs have to make slightly more effort.

the idea of "putting myself out there" scares me. secretly i am a wuss. whilst i do not want a relationship, and will be told off by many parties if i consider one, i do need to have a quick thing with someone else. apparently they say you have to get under someone to get over someone. i do not want a relationship and i do not want a one night stand. this is an ammendment to the original post as it has been highlighted that maybe this is a somewhat paradoxical desire. there seems to be a lot of contradictions in my feelings at the moment

i want someone else but i don't want a relationship OR a one night stand

i hate her but at the same time i just want her to tell me this was all a terrible mistake and for us to be together again.

there are probably countless more contradictary and/or hypocritical things i have said and done but i can;t be arsed with listing them all, that would be a bit depressing...

over and over and over and over

my life is complete.

after many many years of searching, i have found the single greatest video on the internet





PERFECTION.

vhs 2 dvd

i spent the afternoon and evening today watching home movies with my parents as they transferred the vhs records onto dvd. it was bizarre.. truly bizarre. the first tape was all of me from around 6 months to 2 and a half, and it was really strange watching myself as a little person, crawling round and unable to talk or stand. spose i have made quite considerable progress since that point, at least in capability, if not maturity. it was weird seeing my parents as well, they looked so young. strange. and the devotion they paid to me was disturbing. they said as we were watching that they literally spent all day with me when my dad was not at work, and you can see from the video how i took over their life. sorry about that! although, this was the early 90s, pre internet so i suppose there wasn't really that much else to do.

the next video was of america, and watching and hearing an american accent come out of my 6 year old self made me shudder. not just any old american accent but a fairly southern one, virginia to be precise. saw niagra falls, our old house, a tour of the naval base we lived on and the snow that kept us inside for a good few days one winter. it was like being back there, only not really as that would require a bit more imagination than i have.

contrary to demands made of me, there is no way the accent will ever be viewed by anyone. and i am at this moment thankful that i am currently single so that there is noone to be shown this by my parents...

right, off to continue my insomnia.

limits

heh, just heard an advert on the radio for 3 crates of beer for £18 at morrisons and a deal on baileys. to conclude there was a very quick voice saying "offer limited to 3 crates and 3 litres of baileys per customer". some people are obviously planning on celebrating the whole jesus thing in style.

i am having a week of non communication with her. for the first time i am actually thinking about it all together. like, i've thought about different bits on their own but now i can stick it all together. i think maybe i have reached my limits. maybe it's all just a bit too much and she hurt me too badly for me to want to be friends. maybe it is my stupid illogical emotional self overriding my rational thought processes making us friends. but then people who live life through only rational thought tend to be a bit.... unusual, so maybe i should just go with the emotions!

feeling much better than yesterday. she said she's going to phone me in a week when she's back from ireland and i'm not really sure if i'll answer.

right. i'm off to show a french, gay atheist jew round a creationist museum.

standard.

taking neglect to another level

a year and a half is a long time...

and now i will rescue this blog from the depths of almost non-existence and resume blogging. blogging is something which is easily forgotten in the excitment of university and everything going well. however now everything is not exciting or going well. hence the blogging.

really really pointless blogging as the one person who reads this has already heard my whiny tales of woe.

i think i have created this idea of being fine. like all the shite that has happened just didn't phase me and i dealt with it. but the secret is, i'm not actually that fine. i'm pretty fucking sad. not depressed but sad and lonely and i miss one person so very much. i think it is only in the last week that i have begun to acknowledge that that part of my life and that relationship is actually over. gone. for good. although "i'll never say never" was a quote from her. and now comes the old lets be friends chestnut. but how can you be friends with someone who you just truly madly and stupidly love? can you really. i know that people do it. lots of people. but is it fair on me to be constantly wishing for more?

part of me just wants to tell her to fuck off. to say you are either with me or you are nothing. and i know what the answer will be as it is clear that she does not want to be with me. maybe if she was not in my life then i could deal, get over it and move on. i just don;t know. one thing that makes it easier, stupidly, is the fact that next term is exam term, stress ahoy, and then she's in seattle for most of the summer. knowing that i will not see her for 3 months kinda means i can deal with giving the whole friends thing a shot now. and if it's awful then i have 3 months without her. also, selfishly, i know that she is not going to be with anyone else when we return to cambridge next october. and if she is then they will be in seattle or glasgow and not in cambridge and i won;t have to see them. because i can't. because to me, at the moment at least, she will always be mine. even though she clearly does not want to be!

i am an idiot. i know that. i pride myself on my rational, logical thought. and i hate this for not being rational and logical. i hate myself for wanting something i can;t have because it is silly. and i should be able to accept that it is silly and forget it. stupid human stupid emotions.

pfft. will return at a later point for more whinging no doubt. i'll deal. time heals all as poskett has told me! i just thought everything was sorted. i wanted this to last and i guess at 20 that's probs a bit much to expect. maybe one day it will be right, who knows.

gah! i hate these stupid whiny thoughts, but i hate also the fact that everyone thinks i am fine. i really wish some more people would check up on me, although the people who are are the ones i want to talk to.

anyhoo. enough whining.

over and out.

neg to the lect

i never wanted an internet blog anyway, i was forced to get one, therefore it's not technically neglect... like if you got a puppy that you didn't really want and then.. actually that's not a good line to take..

anyhooo...

it's been mental lately! where have you been! you've missed all kinds of wacky fun!

NOT.

(diversion: i maintain that, were it still 2000 i would be cool)

hmm, recap anyone?:

• saw tegan and sarah, they were the sex. not literally. unfortunately...


• raped EDEXCEL for my Alevels, that, i think is a hideous trick, seriously, how the fuck did i get an A in maths?! MATHS?! i fucking hate maths...


• soo... as a result of the above i got into cambridge, this is a slight problem being as how: a)i don;t actually know anything b)i will hate everyone there c)i have read a sum total of 0.5 of the books on the reading list d)i actually am incapable of looking after myself


• went to amsterdam, it was good. i enjoyed it, i liked the beer and the weed and the people (not hookers)


• found out that two of my closest friends are complete cunts who should actually go fuck themselves (one of them needs to, her boyfriend won;t do it for her..)

so yeah. that was a great end to the summer, 3 weeks before i am due to leave my best friend basically tells me she never wants to see me again. nice huh? but at least i have alex:

anything but studying.

what i've been up to:

and then i went to London and Chinatown at 10pm. it was an adventure. and the trip was awesome. but it made me miss a particular person even more.

all this and i am desperately trying to pass my A levels, which is tricky when i have kinda given up.... but it's still stressing me out. and i really really can't wait till monday, then i will have no more maths ever. EVER!

oooh, muse on saturday, i'm a bit excited. should be fecking awesome, apart from the whole mcr as support thing......

anyhoo.. tegan and sarah's new album is pretty fucking cool. as is the person who STOLE it.

did you know cos2A= cos^2A-sin^2A?

interesting i think you'll agree......